Confessions of a (former) fat girl: Things I never knew about getting thin...

Anyone that's known me for awhile knows that, if there is one thing in my life that has caused me more tears, frustration, and defeat than anything else, it is my battle with my weight. And not just my weight, but the way I feel in my skin, the way I view my physical appearance. I have spent over half of my now almost 29 years at war with myself, fighting what I have often viewed as a losing battle. I like to think that at this point in my life I am on the winning end, but if I am completely honest with myself, I know that this is a battle that will always exist for me and that the best I can do is continue to fight and to refuse to give in to those voices that will never be satisfied with the number on the scale or the image in the mirror. However, as I move through the stages of this battle, I find each stage presents with new challenges I never anticipated when I first picked up myself up and decided to make changes. I am learning things about myself and my journey every step of the way, and I am realizing that this journey is about so much more than 'bikini season' or 'goal weight'. So here there are, some silly, some profound - things I wish someone had told me about becoming thin when I was fat (and some things I was told but managed to ignore)...

1. Contrary to how you feel, food is not your enemy. 

Food is fuel, it is essential, it is the basis of all energy for everything you do every day. Food is also delicious, fun, social, and at times, comforting. But when I was fat, food was the enemy. Every meal was another couple hundred calories I could all but guarantee would deposit straight to my problem areas (namely, everywhere). I was terrified of food, avoiding it until I was ravenous, then binge eating whatever was available and required as little thought as possible, frequently fast food or convenience foods, aka junk. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. When I viewed food as an enemy, it indeed became an enemy. Eating junk, once a day, it's no surprise then that I found myself expanding at a rate exponential to the amount of food I was consuming. And so the cycle continued. 

As I began what started as a weight loss journey (it's become a health and fitness journey), the first thing I learned was that (shock!) I needed to eat!!! Eating a solid 3 meals a day, I found myself with more energy, and to my surprise, I was losing weight! I increased from 700-800 calories a day to around 1300 calories a day and found myself with success, but as I've increased my activity levels, I've hit some severe plateaus. It wasn't until recently that I became aware that I was still completely afraid of food. Thanks to some pushing from my coach at Synergy, I am now eating (yikes!) about 1800 calories a day, and steadily leaning out, losing inches, pounds, and body fat. It's not always easy to remember, but I am starting to comprehend - food is not my enemy.

2. No matter how thin your body gets, your mind will fight to stay fat.

When I weighed 250lbs, I wore jeans and tshirts every day. Over 80lbs later, I find myself continuing to be drawn to jeans and tshirts. But not just because they're comfortable or classic (I do love that) - I have been terrified of clothing for years (fear is a central theme in all of this, you'll notice). 

Not long ago, I walked into a clothing store attempting to add some more girlish items to my wardrobe. I absent-mindedly picked up some items that caught my eye and went to the dressing room, where I quickly became aware that I have NO idea what fitted, 'girly' clothes are supposed to look like on me! Trying on a bright blue pencil skirt and lace tank, I gazed blankly in the mirror, tugging and pulling, turning and twisting, wondering if I could ever wear this outfit in public. I stepped out of the room and, embarrassed, asked the attendant if this outfit looked right. My heart dropped as she giggled and asked what size I was wearing, to which I hesitantly responded, "twelve" as I averted my eyes to the floor. I almost refused to put on the size 8 she brought back to the room, but took a deep breath and shimmied into it. My eyes welled as it zipped easily and sat perfectly in place, two sizes smaller than I believed my "big ol' body" should fit. 

"FAT" is a feeling so much more than it is a number. I don't know if there will come a day that I will not walk first to the plus size section or pull size XL off the rack. I don't know if I will be able to eliminate words like 'giant' or 'huge' from my vocabulary in reference to myself. I hope someday my brain will catch up to all the work my body has done. That is possibly the hardest part of this battle.

3. Shaving is harder when you're thin!!!

No one ever told me that as your muscle definition increases, it gets harder to navigate the crevices, hills, and valleys with a sharp razor. Did you know when you're thin, your armpits get deeper?! Holy cow, this is tough! I never used to nick myself like this while shaving. AND, when you're thin and you wear clothes other than jeans and tshirts, you wind up shaving way more often. It's a lot of work. 

4. To have the body you want, you need to break up with your scale.

The number one, single most unhealthy relationship I have ever been in, was not with my ex-boyfriend. No, it was with my scale. A silly number, influenced heavily by SO many variables, was the value by which I determined my self worth for more years than I care to admit. At times in this journey, I have weighed myself upwards of 15x a DAY and based what I would eat at my next meal or how much time I would spend in the gym off of the number I saw. Eventually, knowing this was unhealthy, I eased off, relying on weekly weigh ins to feed my obsession. I've come to realize that this is no more healthy than my previous behavior, and am working to release myself from this emotional attachment to numbers. Strong is the new skinny, and I am working my body now not to be skinny, but to be as strong as I can possibly be.

5. The people who love you will love you at any size.

When I weighed 250, I believed that I was not worthy of love because I was less of a person. I pushed away those who might have, and did love me, believing I was unworthy. I was so focused on the things I did not love about myself, that I neglected to recognize the things in myself that those around me loved. I didn't take care of myself and nurture the qualities that make me a unique and lovable human being, and as a result I became cold, distant, bitter, and negative. I became the person I hated. But the people that truly loved me, didn't stop loving me. They loved me, and still love me, fat or thin, happy or sad, and whether I love me or not. 

6. Not everyone will celebrate or support your changes and success, and that's OK.

Along my journey, I have lost some friends. I have had people complain that I post too much about my workouts and weight loss on facebook, that I spend too much time at the gym, that I talk too much about nutrition and fitness. I have had others walk away and never explain why, although the timing seems strangely suspicious. I have had people, who were not making the same choices as I, attempt to sabotage my efforts for reasons I can only speculate. But you know what I've also had? Friends and family who have joined me on my journey, thanking me for giving them the encouragement to start a journey of their own. Friends and family who have consistently celebrated for me, near or far, and have encouraged not only my physical transformation, but the transformation of my health, mental and physical. Friends and family who love nothing more than to see me find happiness in my own body. When you find success, and you live it out, some people will find reasons not to cheer you on, but so many others will be on your side that it's amazing how quickly those not cheering seem no longer to matter.

7. Bathing suits and spandex are still scary.

I am pretty sure bathing suits and spandex are scary for all women (and maybe men, too), regardless of size. Any item of clothing that serves as a highlighter for the parts of your body you typically keep hidden is bound to be viewed as an adversary. You should never allow that fear to keep you from doing something you want to do. Buy a size and style that suits your figure and size, no matter what that may be, and ROCK IT. 

At the end of the day, I like myself better thin not because my weight gives me any more value, but because the lessons that I have learned on my journey have given me more insight and confidence. My battle with my weight is likely to be lifelong, but I refuse to allow it to define me. I work out to be strong, to be healthy, to have energy, to fight stress, and to feel good in the skin I've been given. To be strong enough to toss my nephews and nieces in the air and catch them, fast enough to run with my puppy dog, and to have the endurance to go on adventures with my husband. I eat foods I enjoy and I am working to no longer view them as adversary. My body is my temple, and how I take care of it is how I honor the God who has blessed me in countless ways. 

Things I wish my friends with kids knew...

I have seen a significant number of posts lately from young moms wanting their child-less friends to know certain facts and inevitabilities about their lives and relationships, and the ways in which having children has changed them. I have read them, and I do believe they give some awesome insights into the worlds of young families and the changes and challenges they face. As the hubs and I whole heartedly intend to raise a litter of our own someday, I think of it as a great way not only to understand what the large majority of our friends are experiencing right now, but to prepare for what will undoubtedly be our future. Then I got to thinking... as a person in my late 20's, married but without kids, there are things I would like my friends with children to know about my life experiences, views, and relationships. So until the time comes that we choose to join the ranks of you all in the journey that is parenthood, here are some things I hope you will take to heart:

1. While I cannot comprehend to what degree, I can appreciate that you are, in fact, exhausted. I am not offended if you decline my offer for coffee, dinner, a movie, whatever, in favor of an afternoon nap or an early bedtime. I know you are not exaggerating your exhaustion, making excuses, or blowing me off. It is really ok.

2. I LIKE your kids. I find them to be charming (most of the time), and I genuinely enjoy the opportunity to interact with them. You do not need to apologize that they want to show me every toy in their toy boxes or force me to watch an episode of Spongebob. I love the fresh new perspective they have on life, and delight in their silly stories and never ending questions - remember, I can send them back to you after they've asked me 'why?' for the fifty-second time. It's not so bad. Which leads me to my next point...

3. I will babysit your kids. For free (or a bottle of wine). I know that post-rugrats, you and your spouse have had little time to yourselves - or each other. I value the alone time I have with my husband, and I believe that you deserve to have that time with your significant other as well. All I ask is a few days notice. Bonus: kids are my living. I am quite good with them. Who better to babysit?

4. If you have invited me to your home, you do not need to frantically clean. I do not care if your house is unkempt. You have a family, and families are messy. Messy is real life. If we are close enough for you to invite me into your home (and I do understand this is frequently much easier than carting the kids around town), please know that I value my friendship with you, all of you. The good, the bad, the ugly, AND the messy. Sticky kitchens, unfolded laundry, and legos on the floor all come with the territory. I will love you whether your house is dirty or clean.

5. I enjoy hearing funny, silly, strange, crazy stories about your kids. However, it does not make you a bad parent if you would rather spend your time or conversation with me discussing things aside from your children. I will gladly rehash details from this week's episode of GoT or listen to you vent about the electric company or your nosy neighbors. I know that your kids are your world, but I also know that sometimes, you will need to talk about 'grown up' things. Just know that either way, I am here to listen.

6. Your children are welcome in my home. Please do not ever hesitate to accept an invitation to my home on the grounds that you are concerned your children may be loud, messy, or destructive. When I invite you over, I acknowledge that you have tiny eating, screaming, pooping creatures with you more often than not, and I will take all appropriate steps in child proofing my environment as necessary. Should something ultimately wind up broken or juice stained, I have no one but myself to blame.

7. I miss you.
While I am aware that your family is your number one priority and I begrudge you not one minute that you spend with them, I just want you to know that I do miss you. And when you should find the opportunity once again to join me for coffee, go out for a long walk, or simply sit and catch up over the phone, please know that I will be here. This is not an 'I miss you' to stoke the flames of guilt, but rather so that you would know that you are still dear to my heart and our friendship means as much to me now as it ever has.

Sometime in the future (not yet - don't get any crazy ideas), Jess and I will be among you, opting for sleep instead of socializing, trading happy hours for soccer practice, and replacing conversations of world news with those of PTA gossip and potty training. We will struggle to maintain some of our pre-kiddo normalcy, and we know we will be mostly unsuccessful, as life with kids will become the new norm. But one thing is for certain, we will be grateful for the friendships we have maintained with so many of you who have embarked on this journey ahead of us. Our relationships may change, but how we feel about y'all does not.