Looking back on my younger years, I could spend countless hours dissecting all of the bad decisions, compromises, and flat out mistakes i made in a futile attempt to discover why i spent so much time in and out of relationships that were well, bad. Entertaining though that may be, I can't see the value in mulling over my various missteps. However, as I find myself preparing to commit myself to Jesse from now to eternity, I do find value in analyzing my experiences in hopes that I won't be making any of the same missteps in the future (I would definitely like to keep this one)...
In considering my experiences, and the experiences of those around me (in both good, and not so good, relationships) I have come to conclude that whoever once stated that communication was the key to a solid relationship knew what they were talking about. I recall distinctly, in my naive mind, believing several years ago that, of all of my friends, I was unquestionably in the best relationship. I listened night after night as friends talked about the various fights eroding their relationships; fights over jealousy, money, attention, etc. I remember thinking, with a smug sense of superiority, how my boyfriend and I never fought, which surely meant that our relationship was a cut above the rest. In hindsight, what I discovered was a shocking truth that revealed volumes to me about myself and how I viewed relationships. Honestly, we never fought, but this was not because we never disagreed, never frustrated one another, never got upset. We never fought because I never allowed us to fight. I swallowed my opinions, suppressed my dissensions, and conceded my wants and needs to insure that fighting would have no place in our relationship. What this really meant was that I, essentially, had no place in our relationship. There was no relationship.
This realization got me thinking. What would I have done differently if I had it to do over? What would I have said or not said? What would I do differently in the future to commit myself to helping my relationships thrive? Please understand, I am in no way suggesting that a relationship must having fighting to thrive, I am simply suggesting that suppressing your thoughts and opinions because you are afraid that what you have to say might upset your significant other is the quickest way to set yourself up for heartache. A relationship needs communication, and these are some of things I know now I can, and should, communicate (and i will still have a loving fiancee in the morning)...
1. Tonight, I feel angry.
There is no doubt, at some point or another, your significant other will make you angry. You've asked nicely a million times for him not to do leave the dishwasher open, and yet you still trip over it in the middle of the night when you go to get a glass of water. He burns his hand on your curling iron after reminding you countless mornings not to leave it on. (hypothetical examples, i swear) Especially if you are sharing a home, please hear me: you WILL make. each other. angry. Anger is a healthy human emotion, and can be experienced, and conveyed within a relationship without disrespecting one another. Expressing to your significant other the things they do/don't do or say/don't say that make you angry gives them the opportunity to make changes where they deem necessary in order to support you.
2. I need help.
For some reason, this is often the hardest one for people to confess, even to their significant others. Sure, we are raised to be strong and independent, self-sufficient. But a relationship is a partnership, and if I have learned anything, it's that partnerships fail if both parts are attempting to succeed alone. Whether what you need is help cleaning the house, help finding the courage to start a new career, help to achieve a goal, etc... what your partnership means, especially if that partnership is a marriage, is that you no longer need to go it alone. Ask for help.
3. I disagree.
Love does not mean the two of you are committed to the same opinion of everything forever and ever amen. Good God. How utterly boring would that be? "I like fried chicken." "Me too." ""I only vote republican." "Me too." "I think Mark Wahlberg is super sexy." "Me too." WHAT??? So. boring. Variety is the spice of life, so they say, and all of the things you like and don't like is what initially drew you to one another. So why is it that we think that the best thing we can do to avoid conflict in our relationships is to agree with everything our significant other says or does? I grew up a Dodgers fan; I bleed Dodger blue. Loosely translated, I HATE the SF Giants. So, God made Jesse a Giants fan. Sure makes baseball season an adventure in our house. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
4. I would rather you didn't.
Ladies, it's Saturday morning, you haven't seen each other for more than 20 minutes all week, you know this morning is the only time you'll probably have together for another week, and he says he wants to go to the golf course for a few hours. Guys, you've been watching your finances very closely in saving for a trip you two have planned next month, and she says she wants to buy the $250 boots she's been eyeing at Macy's. It is ok to express your reservations or objections to a choice your significant other makes! I do recommend you evaluate your motivations as to why you object, and make sure that you are not being overly selfish or irrational, but if you would rather your significant other not do something, tell them. If you don't, it will surely become the elephant in the room later, and elephants are really hard to get rid of.
5. I don't feel like it today.
You had a rough day at work followed by an hour and a half in traffic, you think you might be getting the flu, but your significant other wants to fool around. You were hoping to spend all day saturday watching movies and relaxing in your pj's, and your significant other wants you to go to their brother and sister-in-law's house (they have 4 kids all under the age of 6). Some days, you're just not up for whatever 'fun' your significant other may have planned, sometimes without telling you. Sometimes, it is your job as a spouse to suck it up and 'take one for the team', so to speak. Other times, for your own sanity, it is your job to say, "not today." In respecting your own needs, you are respecting your significant other. If you aren't into it, but do it anyway, trust me, it will show.
6. I'm scared.
It's human nature; we are afraid of things. Women, we've been conditioned to believe that fear is acceptable in some facets while not in others. Men, you've been conditioned to believe that fear is never acceptable. Well, it's all bologna, and if there is one person you can turn to and admit when you are afraid, it is your significant other. The doctors found something abnormal and want to run tests; you've been offered a job you're not certain you can handle in a city where you know no one; things have felt strained between you and your spouse, and you are afraid of what that could mean. I do not know where we developed the sense that our job is to be "strong" for our spouses, but when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you allow yourself to be comforted and loved. You open lines of communication, you discover that someone shares, or at very least understands, your fears. You begin to develop a plan to address the things that are frightening. In short, you are no longer alone.
Certainly, there are others, perhaps to be discussed at a later date in another blog, but this begins the collection. As always, I do not claim to be any sort of expert on the topic, and I am always open to the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others on any topic. Not an expert, just a silly girl with a busy mind, who is blessed enough to be loved by an amazing man and a loving God.
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